Paul G Bailey
Posts tagged Blog
I FINALLY CAME OUT, But I still feel horrible.?
01 month ago
by Paul Bailey
in Blog
I FINALLY CAME OUT, But I still feel horrible.?
I thought once i came out id feel better, but I still feel fear and anger and sadness….I feel like I should die and that it be better if I did not exist. I thought pressure and fear would be gone but its not, and damn near everyone in my family is accepting, so why do I still feel miserable and sad.
Yet another fascinating question on Yahoo! Answers. I just couldn’t resist posting a reply to!
Sorry to hear that coming out didn't resolve all the bad feelings you were having. That's got to be tough and really frustrating. There can be a number of reasons. I'm a gay confidence coach and I deal with this kind of thing all the time. A lot of my clients recognise that they often put all their reasons for feeling bad on just one thing. Blaming that thing for feeling bad, lonely, poor, sad, everything! But when I work with them they also realise that very scary question... "What if I resolve this issue, but I still have a problem, what do I do then?!" This could be from saying things like "once I lose weight I'll get a boyfriend" or "when I move out and get my own place I'll be happy" or in your case "once I tell everyone I'm gay I'll feel better” The truth is that you have removed one problem in your life and have discovered that it wasn't the root of your struggles. You're going to have to do a bit more soul searching to find out why. The great news is that now you have come out, you have a huge number of people that are clearly understanding, love you very much and would be glad to talk things through with you. Use those wonderful people around you to help understand what else could be getting you down. One final point, it could just be because coming out wasn't the big deal you thought it would be. So it left a bit of a hole. In which case just giving yourself some time to adjust might be all that you need. I hope this helps Let me know how you get on Paul
Once again I was delighted to have recieved the “best answer” badge as voted by the “Asker”. He also added this extra note at the end
You read me like a book , because I have said all three of those things together. I have been through alot and to be honest I have severly low self esteem. So bad it is sometimes make me think of suicide, but maybe one day ill get it together. Thank you.
I really hope things get better for you, and please do let me know how you get on.
The Bad Stuff is Easier to Believe
02 years ago
by Paul Bailey
in Blog
“You look good today.”
“I like your new haircut.”
“We were really proud when we heard the news.”
How many times have you heard variations on the above? You meet up with friends or family, and they pass comment on how you look, or recent events you’ve shared with them. Do you listen to the words, absorb them, and get a feeling of warmth from them? Or do you think to yourself, “Well, that’s all very well, but what aren’t you telling me?”
Why is it that the bad stuff tends to be easier to believe?
In our day to day lives, we come across both praise and criticism from a wide variety of sources. Family and friends, work colleagues, even the media. Whether it’s a comment about our appearance, how we’re doing at work, things we’ve achieved or projects that have fallen flat. Society has its own comments to make about body shape, how to dress, even the colour of your hair can draw praise or criticism.
So why do we find it easier to listen to the bad stuff?
Compliments are good. Being told something positive about yourself, whether from someone you’re close to, or a passing acquaintance, should really lift the spirits. Just the fact that someone has taken the time to let you know, should have you feeling noticed and appreciated. In truth though, how many of us really take these things at face value?
For many, being complimented is at best a source of embarrassment, or at worst, a thinly veiled attack. Have you ever found yourself wondering whether someone is simply saying something nice to detract from something terrible they don’t want to say to you? “Okay, maybe they think my hair looks good …. but why do they keep looking at my coat like that?”
The world today is fast, furious, instant and demanding. The pressures to perform well have grown, both in a personal and professional capacity. All this brings an increased sense of expectation that we have to be at our best, doing our best, all the time. Which, let’s face it, can be a pretty tall order.
So it’s easy to believe that we can’t possibly be doing well, because of the pressures we are putting on ourselves. Whether it’s keeping up with the “Jones’” or knowing there’s still that other piece of work you haven’t finished yet. It’s like the day is never quite long enough, we feel there is always something more we should do.
All any of us can really do though is our best; to try and acknowledge our limits, our strengths and weaknesses; to improve what can be improved, and accept what cannot. And if someone should say something nice, something good about us – try taking it at face value and say “Thank you.” And mean it!
(BTW just in case you were wondering the title of this blog comes from a line in the film Pretty Woman)
Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?
Why does no one ever flirt with ME?
02 years ago
by Paul Bailey
in Blog
I used to date a guy who would constantly reveal to me moments when someone “cruised” him, or gave him a flirtatious look. I would drive me nuts. Not because I’m jealous, far from it. Much to my husband’s dismay, I don’t suffer jealousy anymore, I was cured of that debiliating disease many years ago, but that is another story!
What really annoyed me was to get cruised you have to be open to the visual signals that someone is interested. I’m the type of person that thought for ages that no one ever flirts with me when I’m walking down the street, or in my local suppermarket. Until I dated this guy and I realised what he was doing. He was actively checking out other people to watch their gaze and provide them with just enough visual feedback to elevate a casual glance into a flirtatous glance, smile or even a sexy flick of their eyebrows. I realised that it was a three way process
- Person A looks at Person B
- Person B returns the look and allows their eyes to linger just that bit longer than a glance. If they really want to enourage a response then even the inkling of a smile should be enough.
- Person A either knowingly or subconciously notices Person B is receptive to a flirt and if they are inclinde will provide it.
As you can see from the above most of the work and manipulation is actually on the part of Person B. Now of course if Person A was particularly obnoxious then they need no encouragement at all. But hopefully you can see from the pattern of events that if you aren’t getting cruised, flirted with or just generally a bit of attention that you’d like, maybe think a bit about providing the visual feed back, or body lanugage that will encourage it!
You can lead a horse to water
02 years ago
but you can’t make it drink…
You can recommend someone gets themselves a life coach, but you can’t make them change for the better.
One thing I’ve really noticed about coaching is how the whole experience has to be driven by the person receiving the coaching or “coachee”. I have often provided people with a one off free trial telephone coaching session so that they can get a better understanding of what coaching is and how it works. Additionally it helps them decided whether they have any connection with me, which I personally believe to be vital for coaching and is the core reason I do offer this free taster session.
During the free session, it very quickly becomes clear to me the people that will go on to purchase coaching, either from me or even another coach. How do I know? One word pretty much sums it up, commitment. The client has to be committed to wanting to change and just that realisation in itself is often enough to put a coachee off completely. They result in reeling off a stream of reasons why coaching isn’t right for them at this time. Ultimately they are absolutely right, coaching isn’t what they need right now, because their current situation is actually less uncomfortable than the thought of having to work at changing some part of themselves. Sadly this can leave them in their victim story line that they use to justify not changing, because really, in their eyes, it’s out of their control.
It used to really sadden me when I thought someone would benefit from coaching but they simply weren’t up for it. Now I realise, the time isn’t right for them, in fact the right time may never come, but ultimately that is their choice and it will be their story. I no longer feel sorry for them, or disappointed in myself for not being able to provide them with the support I thought they needed. I do hold the belief that when they are ready, when the thought of change becomes less fearful than the thought of remaining the same, I’ll be ready a raring to support them in every way I can.
