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Or alternatively contact me directly with any questions you may have.

I remember an old friend of mine found herself literally whisked away to a situation she was not familiar with. Outside of her usual surroundings, the first thing she longed for was something familiar and reassuring, for her this was a really good cup of tea!

It’s a situation many of us find ourselves in at some point. It could be through starting a new job, being at a party where you don’t really “know” anyone else or finding yourself in a situation where you’re unsure of the correct etiquette. During those moments, the urge for something recognisable can be overwhelming. How we face up to and deal with those situations can make all the difference. Some people will do all they can to simply avoid them.

How many people do you know that have stayed in a job you know they aren’t happy in, because it’s easier than trying something new? Do you turn down party invitations because you only know the host but the thought of small talk with strangers leaves you cold?

In today’s ever changing world, new experiences are something that we can rarely escape altogether; even if you don’t actively go seeking them. It’s likely that something you weren’t expecting isn’t going to be too far off. So it’s better to try to embrace it, rather than run when a new opportunity presents itself.

You suddenly realise that your usual comfort zone is about to be blown wide open and you are faced with the age old choice of fight or flight? Choosing the latter might seem the safe option, but where does it get you? If you back away from new experiences, how will you ever find out which ones you’d actually enjoy? There also remains the possibility that you’ll even regret not having tried something sooner!

Let’s not fool ourselves in to thinking that things will always go smoothly. Often things may not turn out the way you might have hoped. Yet if you approach things with an open mind, if you are simply ready to learn through having experienced something then you are moving in the right direction. Perhaps that’s the biggest challenge – not simply to be dragged through life resisting change but to glide through life adapting and learning from the experiences as you go.

Sometimes, when you’re out of your depth, you just need to take a “time out,” to re-focus your thoughts and face the challenge. Like my friend, when facing up to the fact that things really weren’t how they seemed, all she really wanted was a good cup of tea. Sadly, a cuppa was not forthcoming. However, the thought of something familiar kept her going.

“I like your new haircut.”

“We were really proud when we heard the news.”

How many times have you heard variations on the above? You meet up with friends or family, and they pass comment on how you look, or recent events you’ve shared with them. Do you listen to the words, absorb them, and get a feeling of warmth from them? Or do you think to yourself, “Well, that’s all very well, but what aren’t you telling me?”

Why is it that the bad stuff tends to be easier to believe?

In our day to day lives, we come across both praise and criticism from a wide variety of sources. Family and friends, work colleagues, even the media. Whether it’s a comment about our appearance, how we’re doing at work, things we’ve achieved or projects that have fallen flat. Society has its own comments to make about body shape, how to dress, even the colour of your hair can draw praise or criticism.

So why do we find it easier to listen to the bad stuff?

Compliments are good. Being told something positive about yourself, whether from someone you’re close to, or a passing acquaintance, should really lift the spirits. Just the fact that someone has taken the time to let you know, should have you feeling noticed and appreciated. In truth though, how many of us really take these things at face value?

For many, being complimented is at best a source of embarrassment, or at worst, a thinly veiled attack. Have you ever found yourself wondering whether someone is simply saying something nice to detract from something terrible they don’t want to say to you? “Okay, maybe they think my hair looks good …. but why do they keep looking at my coat like that?”

The world today is fast, furious, instant and demanding. The pressures to perform well have grown, both in a personal and professional capacity. All this brings an increased sense of expectation that we have to be at our best, doing our best, all the time. Which, let’s face it, can be a pretty tall order.

So it’s easy to believe that we can’t possibly be doing well, because of the pressures we are putting on ourselves. Whether it’s keeping up with the “Jones’” or knowing there’s still that other piece of work you haven’t finished yet. It’s like the day is never quite long enough, we feel there is always something more we should do.

All any of us can really do though is our best; to try and acknowledge our limits, our strengths and weaknesses; to improve what can be improved, and accept what cannot. And if someone should say something nice, something good about us – try taking it at face value and say “Thank you.” And mean it!

(BTW just in case you were wondering the title of this blog comes from a line in the film Pretty Woman)
Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

I came to this routine through some trial and error and some honest conversation with my internal voice. Firstly I tried to go 3 times per week, which  is the recommended amount to gain benefit. However, the problem I found is that I would wake up in the morning and decide to have a rest day, promising myself I would make up for it tomorrow. By the end of the week I would be lucky if I had made it to the gym once or twice. I would end up feeling bloated and frustrated.

So the time came for some honest internal dialogue. Why, why, why!?

Questions that start with a why, usually require the answer to start “because”. During a coaching session, this can cause the client to subconsciously feel that they are having to justify themselves. So as I coach I try to avoid asking these types of questions unless I specifically want to explore with the client’s the true reason for their desire to achieve something.

Here is how my internal Why conversation went:-

• Why do I want to go to the gym? –  Because it’s good for me.
• Why is it good for you? – Because to strengthens your body and more importantly for me, my heart.
• Why more importantly for you?- Because my mother died from a heart attack at 45
• Why is that age resonating with you? – Because I have just turned 39 and I now realise how young 45 really is!
• Why else is going to the gym important? – Because my father has vascular dementia, so watching my weight, cholesterol and keeping fit will help me avoid suffering from the same condition.
• Why else is going to the gym going to benefit you? – It will help me keep in shape, which will help my confidence levels.
• Why are your confidence levels so important to you? – Erm I’m a confidence coach, so if I can’t keep my confidence up how can I expect my clients to!

So now, I go to the gym 5 times a week. It’s the right balance for me because I just do it every weekday and have the whole weekend to relax and recover. By using the power of “why” I was also able to add weight to the importance so that I kept understanding some of reason for going to the gym.

http://www.meetup.com/actionpodcast

No one else can decide whether or not you should come out in business except you. Then who you come out to can be just as confusing. Do you come out to people in your team or just a select few? Will it benefit you by being able to talk to your boss about what you did over the weekend without having to replace the pronoun with something more ambiguous like “my partner” or even worse change their sex altogether!

What is appropriate? Chances are if you work in a gay bar, hairdressers or another area that extremely gay friendly you don’t even have to think about it. But what if you work in a a shop, office or in manual labour?

It’s time to put yourself in their shoes. Think about how your relationship with someone would change if you were more open  with them, but consider just how open you should be. A work mate may like to hear about how you went out to a party or club at the weekend, but not really the details of who or how many people you picked up! They may be delighted to hear you have a long term partner and how you had a quite pleasant weekend relaxing and shopping as this will give them something to relate to and enable them to indulge in a little small talk during work breaks. There is nothing worse than having to sit in awkward silence with people you have to spend 8 hours a day with.

One trick I have learned is to be honest and assume that they already know. If they ask about your weekend, tell them, without divulging too much detail; if you mention your partner, use their name rather than he/she/we. This simple act of naming a partner or friend suddenly makes them more real, rather than just some object that “dare not speak it’s name“. The second part of the trick is to assume they already know. This really is a killer tactic. Just by simply thinking “I don’t have to explain, as they already know” the pressure is completely taken off you and placed fairly and squarely on them. You’ll see their thought process often displayed on their face as if they have one of those LED banners scrolling across their forehead. Some of the messages you may read are:-

“Ooh, he’s Gay, oooooooh my god, he’s GAY, quick act cool, clearly I’m supposed to know, or at least he thinks I do, OMG he’s GAY, act cool, act COOL!”

“Bless, he’s gay, I thought he was, glad we have got that out of the way”

“…is he gay? He never said he was but he keeps mentioning some guys name all the time like that’s his partner… oh man I’m confused, I’ll just keep talking, maybe it will come out in conversation, he he he “come out” he he he, oh I lost track, what was he saying?”

“I knew he was gay, Barbara owes me a drink”

Whatever happens, you’ll have a pretty good idea if they want to continue the conversation or they have had enough. Either way just how much you reveal is always up to you. By reading the facial expressions/messages you can judge for yourself what would be appropriate.

If I was in a relationship, I’d feel more fulfilled

If I was slimmer, I’d be more confident

If I was more confident, I’d be more successful

If I was more successful, I’d be more wealthy

If I was more A, I’d have, be or do more B

What is your A?

What if you lived your life as if you had already attained it and were doing B?

Imagine, the one thing you believe to be holding you back from having what you want, is just that, a belief. Not something that is really stopping you, but more of a comfort blanket that keeps you warm at night, safe in the knowledge that if you hold on to it then not living your deam is justified.

You could also use something a little less in your face, like “If it’s important do it, if you’re not doing it, then is it really important?”. I would find myself getting all of a fluster over everything I had not ticked off my never ending list of things to do. I would end up feeling frustrated and convince myself that I’d not achieved anything I had set out to do.

Then I started saying to myself “If it really is important, make the time to allow it to happen”. If it’s still not happening for you, have another look at it. You may find that actually there is a conflict of interest there and your sub conscious is actually doing a useful job for a change! Instead of letting you waste endless hours on a task that actually won’t move you forward, your sub conscious makes you forget it, schedule something over it, or just down right avoid it!

Have a think, is it really going to give you the result you hoped for. Do you really have to do it the way that you first set out. Is there a more suitable day to be doing the task. Finally have you allocated far too little or too much time to the task at hand?

What really annoyed me was to get cruised you have to be open to the visual signals that someone is interested. I’m the type of person that thought for ages that no one ever flirts with me when I’m walking down the street, or in my local suppermarket. Until I dated this guy and I realised what he was doing. He was actively checking out other people to watch their gaze and provide them with just enough visual feedback to elevate a casual glance into a flirtatous glance, smile or even a sexy flick of their eyebrows. I realised that it was a three way process

• Person A looks at Person B
• Person B returns the look and allows their eyes to linger just that bit longer than a glance. If they really want to enourage a response then even the inkling of a smile should be enough.
• Person A either knowingly or subconciously notices Person B is receptive to a flirt and if they are inclinde will provide it.

As you can see from the above most of the work and manipulation is actually on the part of Person B. Now of course if Person A was particularly obnoxious then they need no encouragement at all. But hopefully you can see from the pattern of events that if you aren’t getting cruised, flirted with or just generally a bit of attention that you’d like, maybe think a bit about providing the visual feed back, or body lanugage that will encourage it!

You can recommend someone gets themselves a life coach, but you can’t make them change for the better.

One thing I’ve really noticed about coaching is how the whole experience has to be driven by the person receiving the coaching or “coachee”. I have often provided people with a one off free trial telephone coaching session so that they can get a better understanding of what coaching is and how it works. Additionally it helps them decided whether they have any connection with me, which I personally believe to be vital for coaching and is the core reason I do offer this free taster session.

During the free session, it very quickly becomes clear to me the people that will go on to purchase coaching, either from me or even another coach. How do I know? One word pretty much sums it up, commitment. The client has to be committed to wanting to change and just that realisation in itself is often enough to put a coachee off completely. They result in reeling off a stream of reasons why coaching isn’t right for them at this time. Ultimately they are absolutely right, coaching isn’t what they need right now, because their current situation is actually less uncomfortable than the thought of having to work at changing some part of themselves. Sadly this can leave them in their victim story line that they use to justify not changing, because really, in their eyes, it’s out of their control.

It used to really sadden me when I thought someone would benefit from coaching but they simply weren’t up for it. Now I realise, the time isn’t right for them, in fact the right time may never come, but ultimately that is their choice and it will be their story. I no longer feel sorry for them, or disappointed in myself for not being able to provide them with the support I thought they needed. I do hold the belief that when they are ready, when the thought of change becomes less fearful than the thought of remaining the same, I’ll be ready a raring to support them in every way I can.