So, what happened to YOUR invisible friend then?

What’s that – you never had one? Are you really sure? Okay, so maybe you didn’t have tea-parties with an invisible guest, or consciously speak to someone that was obviously never there. But – what about that inner voice?

You know the one I mean. When you used to think your most secret thoughts, ask yourself the difficult questions – that was really your inner voice that answered.

Or maybe you used to be a “Dear Diary” person, spilling out your most intimate confessions, page after page. Your best friend – always there, always ready to listen, never judgmental.

So where are they now? Or, perhaps more importantly, WHO are they now?

As a child, it’s easy to let someone imaginary take the lead in being there to listen to your problems, or even offer you advice. It’s when we get older though, that we realise just how complex the world can be, and then you really need input from another human being.

But it’s not easy. Your imaginary friend – while being just that, imaginary – is always going to be on your side. They inevitably tell you the things you want to hear; which may not be the things you NEED to hear.

You see, we all need someone. Someone we can turn to with that same degree of trust, that certainty that they’ll tell us the right thing. The trick is to remember the right thing isn’t always what you want to be told.

And unlike imaginary friends, the real ones can’t be so easily ignored if they say something you don’t like!

A coach on the other hand has a very different role to play. In a way its their job to re-activate that inner voice and give you a chance to experience that ingenuity and intuition that you used to rely on as a child.

Whilst doing some research on confidence building for gay man I stumbled across this youtube video. I quite like Jim Carey and I’m sure that this isn’t meant to be derogitory towards gay men at all, but it did make me smile. It’s quite cringe worthy to see just how being overly out to everyone doesn’t really make things easier. It really just simply demonstrates that there needs to be a little balance in everything including confidence in coming out to people.

Sometimes, I’m surprised that people avoid change like the plauge!

I can remember once my partner turning to me and in a bemused voice said

“You always see change as something positive, don’t you”, well yes I guess that I do. That’s isn’t to say that change always works out to be perfectly for me. Often it needs tweaking along the way to stop it from becoming a complete disaster!

I’ve had clients tell me that they are scared to make changes to their life as they are worried about the person they will become. This type of fear can become completely overwhelming and trap the client into their circumstances.

If you were to remain the same, would you be happy?

If you were able to overcome the issues you are putting up with today, would you be happy?

What scares you more, remaining the same or overcoming your challenges?

This is part four of a 4 part mini-course on how to build your self confidence.  To make sure you recieve any future posts as they are published  use the subscribe box on the left to have them sent directly to your inbox.

So, you feel good, you’re acting the part of the confident individual and you look good, too. Now it’s time to make sure that these feelings of positivity don’t disintegrate the minute something goes wrong.

In order to really reap the benefits of increased confidence and self-worth, you have to accept that everything doesn’t go according to plan all of the time. This has no bearing on you as an individual; it’s just a simple fact of life. We all make mistakes: it’s how we deal with them that counts. You need to try and turn a negative situation into a positive outcome and use the experience wisely in order to learn more about yourself and other people.

It can sometimes take a lot of courage to own up and admit to making a mistake, especially if it’s one that has had financial or personal implications for other people, or the company you work for. By admitting to the mistake as soon as possible, you’re demonstrating real confidence as an individual. The courage and humility required to do this will only serve to enhance your reputation in the eyes of others and it will also help you to gain closure on the event and move forward. Dwelling on the mistakes you make is a fruitless exercise and is simply time wasted that could have been put to better use.

Once you realise that you’ve made a mistake, the important thing is to try and rectify the situation as quickly as possible. Then, instead of thinking about how it could have been avoided if you’d done ‘this’ or ‘that’, think about how you can learn from the mistake and ensure that it doesn’t happen again. If the mistake occurred because you were tired, or because you were becoming too blasé about a certain aspect of your job, then you need to look at these issues and decide on a plan of action to take away the reason for the mistake occurring.

The key is to evaluate certain aspects of your life in order to ensure that you don’t keep on making the same mistakes. It’s the person who fails to learn from their mistakes that will keep making them and, if you keep making the same mistakes, then your confidence will naturally decrease until you get to the stage whereby your peers and colleagues might begin to lose faith in your abilities. It can turn into a perpetual cycle and can have a detrimental effect on all areas of your life.

If, on the other hand you learn form the mistakes you make, you will discover areas of your life that you can improve. You have then succeeded in turning the negative situation surrounding the mistake into a positive outcome. This can only be a good thing when it comes to boosting your confidence and taking charge of your life and the path you’re going to take.

This is part three of a 4 part mini-course on how to build your self confidence.  To make sure you recieve each part as it’s published use the subscribe box on the left to have them sent directly to your inbox.

Now that you’ve had a chance to think about self-belief and body language, it’s time to take a look at your wardrobe. Although dress sense is very much a personal thing, the clothes you wear can say a lot about your personality. If you look good, you’re more likely to feel good and you will naturally exude more confidence.

Dressing to impress doesn’t necessarily mean breaking the bank with shopping sprees to expensive boutiques and designer shops. As the very appropriate proverb goes, “cut your coat according to your cloth”. In other words, shop according to your budget. Having said that, some items of clothing are worth investing more money in and, depending on your line of work, you may wish to splash out a bit more for key pieces that will boost your confidence. For example, a tailored suit can be a fantastic investment. Whilst you might be lucky and find an off-the-peg suit that just happens to flatter your particular frame and figure, a tailor-made suit will give you that extra confidence boost when you really need it.

The art to dressing with confidence is to find styles and colours that really suit you. If pea green is your favourite colour but you look like a bowl of soup when you wear it, then stop adding it to your wardrobe. Whilst no one wants to hide their personality away under bland clothing, there’s a lot to be said for dressing for the occasion and a few classic items in your wardrobe will ensure that you have outfits at your fingertips whenever you need to look the part. An ill-fitting or inappropriate item of clothing will distract you and will also draw other’s people’s attention to areas of your body that might not be entirely confident with. If you spend a meeting or a first date tugging at a shirt that’s just a little bit too tight around the midriff, your confidence levels will plummet and you won’t be showing yourself off at your optimum. 

If you’re turning over a new leaf and ditching the contents of your wardrobe to start from scratch then take a friend with you when you go shopping. It’s often a good idea to get a second opinion – just make sure it’s an honest opinion. Whilst shop assistants can be very helpful, they’re often busy and it’s in their best interests for you to buy the clothes. A friend can also dash about to find different sizes and they’ll probably pick out things that you’d never have considered trying if you were shopping alone. This can be a great way to broaden your clothing horizons and discover new styles.

If you can give yourself a confidence boost by dressing in clothes that suit your body shape and personality but are also comfortable and stylish, then you’ll be off to a good start every day and this should have a positive impact on your work and other areas of your life.

Don’t miss part four: Learning from your mistakes

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This is part two of a 4 part mini-course on how to build your self confidence.  To make sure you recieve each part as it’s published use the subscribe box on the left to have them sent directly to your inbox.

Have you ever wondered why some people can enter a room and command a sense of power? They might not have spoken a word but their presence is sufficient to make everyone else sit up and pay attention. These individuals aren’t necessarily tall, muscular or beautiful but they almost certainly have the knack of executing the art of positive body language.

Whether you’re aware of it or not, you use body language on a daily basis to convey your feelings to other people. By learning to use your body language to your benefit, you can enhance your self-confidence and the confidence that others have in you. Body language can help you to achieve success in your career, your business dealings and in your personal life. By understanding body language, you can also gauge other people’s perceptions of you and of the situations they find themselves in: in other words, you can read people.

Although body language is a science in itself and people have spent years studying and trying to unravel the exact nuances of non-verbal communication, there are definitely some key points to look out for when you’re presenting yourself to other people. In obvious situations like conducting a meeting, confronting a partner, or going for a job interview, the need for affirmative and self-confident body language is imperative. However, as people get to know each other better then the more subtle aspects of their body language can help to reveal even more about their personalities.

Your eyes can say a lot about you and, in terms of coming across well to other people, direct eye contact is a safe bet. This is universally regarded as a sign that someone is being attentive and is interested in what the other person has to say. By looking someone straight in the eye you are giving the signal that you’re being honest. Your arms are another giveaway when it comes to body language and this might be something you’re not even conscious of when you’re talking to others. By gaining some knowledge about the outward signs that your body uses to convey your emotions, you can then take positive steps to address these and try to portray yourself in a more confident and accessible manner. Crossed arms are a sign of defensiveness and this physical barrier that you are putting between your body and the person you are talking to can be detrimental in many situations. In contrast, holding your arms behind your back is a sign of confidence. So, next time you feel your arms itching to cross themselves, push them behind your back instead and watch your confidence levels soar.

The handshake is another body language sign that is open to much interpretation. As it’s frequently used in situations that might have a bearing on your professional or personal life, make sure you get it right with a firm handshake that exudes confidence. Shake someone’s hand with your palm facing upwards and you’re submitting to their authority; palm down and you’re trying to dominate. If you use both hands, then you might give the impression that you’re a domineering character, so don’t go over the top.

Next: Part Three: Dress to Impress

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This is part one of a 4 part mini-course on how to build your self confidence.  To make sure you recieve each part as it’s published use the subscribe box on the left to have them sent directly to your inbox.

When it comes to creating a personal strategy for enhancing your self-confidence, it’s important to concentrate on one particular area of your life at a time. There’s no point tackling a number of different issues simultaneously, as you will only get bogged down with details. You’ll end up with a very broad overview of the issues you face but without the insight that can be gained from taking one small step at a time. By focusing all your energies on just one area, you can really delve deep into the crux of the problem and take positive steps, before moving onto the next area of your life that requires attention. 

 A strong sense of self-belief is an essential quality to possess if you’re looking to achieve a more self-confident personality. If you don’t believe in yourself and your actions then it’s difficult to expect others to believe in you. Self-belief can be infectious and you might be surprised at the effects that your own behaviour can have on those around you. Self-belief can have such an impact on every area of your life that it’s vital to try and enhance your attitude to yourself before you move on and tackle other issues relating to your confidence. From everyday actions like sticking up for your opinion in a discussion, to more long-term, life-changing decisions about career changes or relationships, you must employ a strong sense of self-belief in order to forward your goals.

Although your life is undoubtedly shaped by the world around you, you must learn to realise that you have the power to change your life in so many positive ways. By turning negative situations into positive life lessons and using bad experiences to help you grow stronger, you can build your confidence step-by-step. If you have issues of low self-esteem resulting from family conflict, understanding your sexuality, or dealing with negative attitudes from other people, then this is certainly the area you need to focus on.

Strong, decisive actions will demonstrate to yourself, and to others, that you have self-belief and that you are determined to carve out your own destiny. You must always believe that you are making the best decision for you and your life and never be afraid to argue your point. Your own actions and your own perception of yourself are the best tools for building your future. Self-belief can have such a strong influence on all areas of your life. Rather than hanging around in a job that’s going nowhere and has no prospects, or staying with a partner through habit, your new sense of self-belief should give you the push to make serious changes to your life, in a confident and controlled way. After all, if you don’t do something, no one else will.

Coming soon: Part Two: Body Language

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Today in London it’s Gay Pride. Along with this and a few twitter conversations I’ve recently been having with @ninepinkbears I decided to refresh and post my own experience with coming out.

For every gay man there is a different coming out story. Every experience is unique and often filled with deep emotional turmoil.

Here is my story.

If ever there were signs that a kid was going to turn out gay, I think I exhibited almost every one of them. From my first day as school I can remember being in awe at the lead boy of the school play. There was something so magical about him. I wanted to be like him, friends with him, anything to be around him and bask in his intoxicating aura. I was five or six at the time and so clearly had no idea why I was drawn so deeply and passionately to certain boys. This never, ever happened to me in relation to girls.

During the rest of my primary school days (5-11) I was a reasonably popular boy at school but during the first half of my time spent there about 80-90% of my friends were girls. Not only that but I would happily join in with their play time. Ever heard of French skipping? It’s when you have a huge strand of elastic cord wrapped around tow people’s legs and someone else jumps over and on them. We would sing the words, “England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, in-side, out-side, in-side, ON!”. You can view a really bad demo of it here. Typically only the girls played it……. oh and me.

It wasn’t long before the “teasing” started. Of course everyone knows now it’s actually called bullying. I didn’t even know what the term gay meant as I’m sure the other boys who were shouting it didn’t either. They just knew that I was different and somehow instinctively pigeon holed me into that category. Which of course looking back now, they were actually spot on! But at the time I was hurt and chastised for something I didn’t understand. I even made a great escape one lunch time and “ran away from school”. I didn’t get very far I just went home and watched day time TV. It wasn’t long before the school noticed and called my parents. After some gentle words and a visit to the head master with them, I returned to school a lot more cautious than before. I stop playing skipping with the girls and started to try my best at soccer. Which I hated with a passion and was laughed at frequently for my inability to grasp the basic concepts.

Outside of school there were just as many indicators that I could turn out to be a gay man when I grew up. Ever since that first school play I loved the thought of acting myself. Somehow I ended up joining an amateur dramatics group. I loved it and through there actually ended up doing some professional acting. At the tender age of 12 I was performing in Shakespeare’s a Winters Tale, at the Old Vic in Bristol.

Along with the acting I also had a talent for dance. This was no surprise to my parents as they themselves were part time Ballroom dancing teachers and had even entered many competitions at the famous dance halls in Blackpool. So to encourage my dancing genes I was taken to tap dancing lessons. For some reason I sucked at tap even more than I did at playing soccer!

There was however another class that I asked to try instead. Ballet, in my eyes it was a great strength building type of dance and would give me great big muscular legs! This is what was going around in my head at the time, that my legs were skinny and doing Ballet would make them big and strong. I think that’s two gay hints for the price of one there!

Not only did I want to do Ballet, but I was good at it. Damn good at it! I was even awarded a local scholarship with the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art (RADA).

At the age of 13 my childhood came to an abrupt end. My mother, quite literally dropped dead in front of me from a massive cardiac arrest. She had been the one who allowed me to explore my talents and provide me with the unwavering support that only a parent can give. Olive Mary Bailey was just 45 years old when she died. My father did his best to raise me but for some reason there was never the tight bond between us that I now sorely lacked. I felt alone, so terribly lost. I stopped acting, dancing and everything else that allowed me to grow and express myself. I spent most of my time in my room playing on my computer. Occasionally I’d hang out with some friends from school but there was always something missing.

I managed to convince my father to buy me my first modem. This was of course before broadband was available so dial up was the only way to get online. At the time the main thing people used here in the UK was a service called Prestel. It was like the text service you can get on TV the graphics were all chunky and basic but I loved being able to dial up, log on and have access to a whole world of information and also people. It wasn’t long before I was discovering Closed User Groups (CUG’s) where people would hang out and chat. One of these groups was for gay men. I was far from being a man at the age of 15 but I was drawn to it. During my time chatting on there I can specifically asking one guy if he was really gay.

“Yes” his message came back, “are you?”. This two word question was all it took to make me realize who and what I was all this time. It just made perfect sense. There was no internal mental struggle for me. I was asked the question and I intuitively knew the answer.

“Yes, I’m gay”, I replied. Had my mother been alive at the time, the next few years may have been completely different. I’m not saying that things would have been better or worse as ultimately things turned out OK, but I’m sure that if she had been around I wouldn’t have been able to get away with the things I did next.

I began to meet men from the internet from various parts of the country. Some would come to my home town and I’d meet them. Sometimes I would get a train to London, telling my father I was staying a school friends for the weekend. I even started to date a 22 year old man from Kent for a while. Looking back now I was either really streetwise or just damn lucky that I didn’t end up in a body bag somewhere. Eventually, for better or worse, probably better, my father found a series of train tickets to London in my laundry. He went absolutely mental but stopping at the point of actual physical violence. Eventually to stop him from calling the police and sending my “boyfriend” to prison, I agreed that I would see a Psychologist. A few days later my brother was home. He also went mental, but unlike my father he didn’t stop himself and did resort to physical violence. So I was shipped off to the Doctors as agreed. During his questions I just tried to be as honest as I could and was actually grateful for the chance to finally talk to someone about it properly. I remember his calm soothing voice telling me

“I don’t want to make your mind up for you, I want to help you decide for yourself.”, it was like the penny dropping again, I don’t think I saw him again after that. I knew I was gay and it wasn’t a decision, it was a fact. After this my sister who had recently given birth to her first child, informed me that she didn’t want me touching her daughter. After everything I’d been through this didn’t seem to make any difference it was just another experience to chalk up. My relationship with my father remained distant and so for some desperate search for insight I read his personal diary. He wrote about how disappointed he was and that he felt he had let his deceased wife down.

After a few months, my father took me on holiday and asked if I’d like to take a friend with me. I invited Sam, who ironically was the person I used as my cover story when I was actually enjoying my secret trips to London! During the holiday I went out of my way to prove something, I’m not sure what, but I decided to “get off with” a girl. Really it was just making out, snogging, french kissing, whatever you want to call it. Sam was stunned at the good looking girl I had managed to pull and enjoyed telling my father all about my conquest the following day. That was the last time I kissed a girl, well like that anyway.

Time passed and my father started to date women again. Eventually he met a wonderful Irish woman who had spent most of her adult life living in and around the New York area of the USA. With her help my father slowly began to come around to the idea of having a gay son. I even recall my first birthday dinner that Dad and Bernadette took both me and my first real boyfriend on. It was a little awkward, but it was a start, the olive branch had been offered and I was only too glad to put the previous experiences behind me. Once Bernadette had worked her magic on my father it was only a matter of time before the rest of the family came around. My sister had rescinded on her “don’t touch my child” policy and shortly after had her second child. She asked me to be God Father to Lucy, which I gracefully accepted. Another hatchet was buried. As for my brother, he also came around and when he married I was his best man.

All in all the whole experience took about 3 years to settle down completely. I realise now that I could have handled things oh so very differently, just as the rest of my family. Hindsight is a great thing isn’t it!

There are a lot of people out there now that are looking for a new job. I’m not just talking about those people who have been unfortunate enough to lose their job. People who are currently employed are equally troubled by today’s job market.

It’s a buyers market right now. What I mean by that is the companies looking to taken on extra staff are not only few and far between, and therefore creating a limited supply problem, but the number of people unemployed is extremely high. So with the limited number of jobs being offered tied in with there’s a lot of frustration for anyone looking for work.

People who are currently employed have an even harder time looking for a new job. Firstly most people will have to provide some length of notice period. Although this can be 1 week, 1 month, 3 months etc, they are instantly at a disadvantage to someone who is currently “between jobs” with exactly the same or less experience.

Whether you are employed or between jobs right now, getting access to your own personal coach will provide you with the edge that you need to make a difference.

Low risk and Low cost alternative to One to One telephone coaching.

Don’t have the time or the space cash right now for one to one telephone coaching? Why not consider coaching via email?
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