“You look good today.”

“I like your new haircut.”

“We were really proud when we heard the news.”

How many times have you heard variations on the above? You meet up with friends or family, and they pass comment on how you look, or recent events you’ve shared with them. Do you listen to the words, absorb them, and get a feeling of warmth from them? Or do you think to yourself, “Well, that’s all very well, but what aren’t you telling me?”

Why is it that the bad stuff tends to be easier to believe?

In our day to day lives, we come across both praise and criticism from a wide variety of sources. Family and friends, work colleagues, even the media. Whether it’s a comment about our appearance, how we’re doing at work, things we’ve achieved or projects that have fallen flat. Society has its own comments to make about body shape, how to dress, even the colour of your hair can draw praise or criticism.

So why do we find it easier to listen to the bad stuff?

Compliments are good. Being told something positive about yourself, whether from someone you’re close to, or a passing acquaintance, should really lift the spirits. Just the fact that someone has taken the time to let you know, should have you feeling noticed and appreciated. In truth though, how many of us really take these things at face value?

For many, being complimented is at best a source of embarrassment, or at worst, a thinly veiled attack. Have you ever found yourself wondering whether someone is simply saying something nice to detract from something terrible they don’t want to say to you? “Okay, maybe they think my hair looks good …. but why do they keep looking at my coat like that?”

The world today is fast, furious, instant and demanding. The pressures to perform well have grown, both in a personal and professional capacity. All this brings an increased sense of expectation that we have to be at our best, doing our best, all the time. Which, let’s face it, can be a pretty tall order.

So it’s easy to believe that we can’t possibly be doing well, because of the pressures we are putting on ourselves. Whether it’s keeping up with the “Jones’” or knowing there’s still that other piece of work you haven’t finished yet. It’s like the day is never quite long enough, we feel there is always something more we should do.

All any of us can really do though is our best; to try and acknowledge our limits, our strengths and weaknesses; to improve what can be improved, and accept what cannot. And if someone should say something nice, something good about us – try taking it at face value and say “Thank you.” And mean it!

(BTW just in case you were wondering the title of this blog comes from a line in the film Pretty Woman)
Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?

I find going to the gym 5 times a week for just 30-45 minutes the optimum schedule for me. Now I realise this sounds like a awful lot! But remember it’s not for a very long time each visit.

I came to this routine through some trial and error and some honest conversation with my internal voice. Firstly I tried to go 3 times per week, which  is the recommended amount to gain benefit. However, the problem I found is that I would wake up in the morning and decide to have a rest day, promising myself I would make up for it tomorrow. By the end of the week I would be lucky if I had made it to the gym once or twice. I would end up feeling bloated and frustrated.

So the time came for some honest internal dialogue. Why, why, why!?

Questions that start with a why, usually require the answer to start “because”. During a coaching session, this can cause the client to subconsciously feel that they are having to justify themselves. So as I coach I try to avoid asking these types of questions unless I specifically want to explore with the client’s the true reason for their desire to achieve something.

Here is how my internal Why conversation went:-

• Why do I want to go to the gym? –  Because it’s good for me.
• Why is it good for you? – Because to strengthens your body and more importantly for me, my heart.
• Why more importantly for you?- Because my mother died from a heart attack at 45
• Why is that age resonating with you? – Because I have just turned 39 and I now realise how young 45 really is!
• Why else is going to the gym important? – Because my father has vascular dementia, so watching my weight, cholesterol and keeping fit will help me avoid suffering from the same condition.
• Why else is going to the gym going to benefit you? – It will help me keep in shape, which will help my confidence levels.
• Why are your confidence levels so important to you? – Erm I’m a confidence coach, so if I can’t keep my confidence up how can I expect my clients to!

So now, I go to the gym 5 times a week. It’s the right balance for me because I just do it every weekday and have the whole weekend to relax and recover. By using the power of “why” I was also able to add weight to the importance so that I kept understanding some of reason for going to the gym.